Weeknotes #19

The othered one

Jun 20, 2025

Weeknotes 📝

Longform ✍🏻

One of my team recently referred to me as “management” on a call when sharing an update about what the squad had been working on. I’ve no doubt there was no ill-intent here and it is I suppose correct, but it’s been playing on my mind ever since.

I’m very much in the trenches of management now; you only need to glance at my calendar to believe it. But hearing myself labelled “management” in that moment was the first time I genuinely felt othered by it.

And that’s not a typo, I do mean othered not bothered. Although both apply.

Last year when my job title changed, it felt strange, kind of like a professional out-of-body experience. At that time I was ultimately surrendering to a path of least resistance and the change made it official. I was (and still am) appreciative of finding a work environment that has allowed me to evolve and shapeshift my role again and again as I’ve matured in age, skill and character.

I’m a logical person and knew dynamics would shift with this one. Still, I held onto the hope I’d remain part of the team, just wearing a different hat. Perhaps that’s the more foolish, illogical side of me at play. The same one that likes horoscopes and tarot.

Last week I travelled up to another office where most of the team are based, expecting that being physically closer might help bridge the gap a little. But most folk still chose to work from home and it turned out to be a bit of a lonely visit. We all attended the same work event, but I didn’t see much of them there either and on the bus back to the city I was aware of feeling a type of fear of missing out despite not having actually missed out.

Don’t get me wrong, it was lovely to catch up with the people I did see, but the ones that really do still see me for me sit safely outside of my management lines.

All this to say, I’m feeling particularly sensitive to the signals that I’m no longer one of us. There is no “us”. There is a team and it’s manager and we are one or the other. I’m outside the in-jokes. People are more cautious about what they say when they speak to me and I suppose that’ll just be how it is now from here on out.

It’s hard, because to me, I’m still me. My values are still my values and I’m showing up in the role each day staying true to them as best I can within the constraints of it.

But if they can’t see me, they can’t see that either.